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| it's NEW YEARS EVE and we are both entering 2010 with a broken heart. I don't know who's heart is broken more: the one who feels that he's lost her heart to another guy, or the one who's watching everything fall apart before her eyes for a reason she could have avoided. and who's having a good time? the person who has caused all this, because it's his most anticipated moment: our break up.
I've always had an attraction for Nick, only because he's good looking. He is definitely not my type of guy. I have always wondered how it would be to date a white guy. I picture myself being with a white guy though, any white guy, and I can only see myself messing around with them. I couldn't take it to a serious relationship, and Steven knows that b/c I've told him. I told Nick how I felt completely. I exposed to him that I've always thought he was good looking, and how I've always been curious and the curiosity remains. Such poorly chosen words. Conveyed a totally misleading message. I shouldn't have told him that my curiosity remains. My curiosity doesn't stillremain until this day. It lingered. but they're not very strong. The curiosity comes around when he comes around. The only thing I wonder is: "what would it be like to date a white guy?" Simply that. I don't have further feelings than that.. just a physical attraction. I don't know many white guys, and he's the most good looking one out of the few I'm acquainted to. Let's take a look at the two things I have: a curiosity to date a white guy that long-existed... and a white guy who I think is good looking. Combine the two: curiosity to date this particular white guy. It's just how our fucking imagination works. Can you really blame me for being curious? Imagination can take you a long way. In this case, my imagination caused me to be curious.
Steven says: "I can't be with a girl whom I have to share her heart with a guy she never dated, and will always be curious. Nick will always be pulling those feelings for you, feelings that should belong to me."
I thought about it throughly last night. First of all, he's right. My curiosity to date a white guy will never leave, b/c I never got a chance to do that. But there are two factors in this case, and you have to look at the two things separately: a curiosity, and an attraction for this white dude. The attraction I once had for Nick will fade away until there's nothing left. My curiosity will still be there though, but it's a curiosity to white guys in general. Every girl has this curiosity. It shouldn't get in the way of a relationship though; if she's in one. This curiosity will ALWAYS be here (like Steven said), but I know that it's not going to get in between us if we get back together. Because I have completely deleted Nick out of my life, therefore, I got rid of the second factor in the situation. How the first one is taken care of is that.. I don't see myself being with ANY other guy, aside from Steven. Even of an Asian race, I never meet a guy and wonder what it would be like to be w/ him, because Steven has fulfilled all my emotional/physical needs. So I wouldn't need to be attracted to any other guy in that way. Even if I meet a Ed-Westwick looking white guy, British accent.. exotic and unique, fulfills my curiosity, that curiosity won't grow, b/c I already have Steven. It's just like meeting any good-looking guy, I think he's good-looking when I set my eyes on him. I don't ever try to imagine myself being with him, or anything further. The only reason why I felt differently about Nick, and why I had to cut Nick out of my life, is b/c I had attractions prior to my relationship with Steven. Second of all, the "curiosity" we're arguing about has nothing to do with emotional feelings. The whole thing is held as a mental imagination. When Steven says "Nick will always be pulling feelings that should belong to me," it doesn't make sense, b/c those feelings never existed for me to even share my heart between two guys. Any feelings or thoughts I could have had for Nick were only held in my mind. So that's wrong for him to say that.. b/c he does have my heart completely.
I was so afraid to leave his house last night, b/c I had a feeling that will be the last time I'd lay in bed with him. I didn't even go to work today, because I still couldn't find my car keys. | | |
| how would you feel.. if you had to live your life as a slave? I was driving home from work today, and I looked to my right & left--traffic. Everyone driving around me are in their late 20's to mid 40's. Everyone had just gotten off work (including me). We all just had a long day at work, and can't wait to see our family at home. Everyone driving around me is waiting just to get home so they can cook dinner for their family, or help them do homework, or just even ask "how was your day at school, son?" I think just coming home and watching your kids grow or getting good grades.. that's ENOUGH for you. It doesn't matter how hard you work, or how much overtime you do.. or even if you break a bone cause you're working too hard. I think just seeing your kids grow in the way you want them to pays off--and EVEN MORE! It's like a satisfaction beyond words. And I Just realized that.. it must be so painful for my dad that works so hard (Ever since I was born) just to support our family. and even harder to leave their comfortable life in Indo for the sake of us growing up and having a better future. I have to prove to them that they made the right choice. It hurts so much sometimes seeing my mom cry, and thinking that she made a mistake of going to America. I can't really say if she made the right decision or not, because I haven't got a chance to experience Indo life while growing up. But I think that as long as you grow up and realize your own meaning of ur own life.. it doesn't matter where you grow up. But then again--your environment has a big impact on that realizetion. so it's both .. Regardless. Goal: appreciate Random udpates:
1. I bought a very nice leather jacket. I'm so happy, it looks so nice. It's probably the most expensive jacket I own, aside from the snowboarding ones. Good investment. I should have told my mom so she'd buy it for me for Christmas. Damn. lol jk REMEMBER...GOTTA GIVE MORE THAN EXPECT. haha
2. Daniel told me to lose weight.. cause I'm too fat. That makes me sad. Steven jokes about me being fat. I know he's joking but when you say it a little too much--it makes you really wonder if it's true or not. I learned that "just kiddings" are never just kiddings. Because there's something in their mind that drove them to say it. Maybe I am really fat....hmm. Daniel even said that if I don't lose weight by Christmas, I have to pay him $40. and if I do lose weight by Christmas.. he will give me $20. we shook on it. I think I'm gonna be $40 short by Christmas.
3. Speaking of Christmas.. I feel better this season. I think mainly because I stopped caring about making EVERYONE happy, and I started only making myself and the people I love happy. I don't need to go crazy shopping for gifts like I did previously. Last year when I went shopping for Julie, Ray, for our stupid "secret santa" and other not too important people. It was all rushed. lol and I gotta admit I was pretty thoughtless on his gift lol It's kinda funny when I think about it now. becuz I know I was thoughtless on it. And I knew that one year ago when he complained that I was thoughtless. But I just kind of brushed it to the side b/c I didn't want to deal with it. anyways, my point is that.. Christmas is about giving and celebrating love <3 But give with a willing heart. This year I'm only buying a present for: Mom, Dad, Daniel, Angeline, Dara, and Steven. I'll fix something small for Tesia & Sabrina too. Every1 else that I'm somewhat acquainted to--I'll fix them something small & cute. I love Christmas! I can't wait to get a Christmas tree (soon!!) | | |
| Justin Bieber. What a cute little Canadian kid. He's so adorable and only 15 years old! Talented little musician.
This weekend was Thanksgiving Retreat. I ate Thanksgiving lunch with family and Aunty Metha & Uncle Aufry with Kevin and Ashley. I have to say... they are two spoiled ass brats. They are ridiculously mean and selfish. I was probably worse when I was younger though. I wonder how people thought of me and how they look at me now after only knowing how I was when I was younger. I went to the retreat afterwards. It was whatever-- I was assigned to room with Debbie o.o I don't think that's a good idea. I requested to room with Tesia, Sabz, and Katie. So I left Debbie's room and went to sleep in the other room. Debbie told Pency and there was a little drama. But we talked it out so it is ohk. I was constipated the whole retreat lol and I should have brought some weed or something cause I was so bored the whole time. But I wouldn't have any1 to smoke or drink with. Tesia would not be down. That's why I brought weed 3 years ago and smoked by myself lol should have done that again--maybe if I bring Steven to retreat. that would be so fun lol sneak out and blaze & come back to the sessions! The place is so huge anyways, it would be TOO EASY to go somewhere and smoke. And we'll have so much fun eating the food lol
My hormones are going crazy. I have pimples on my face.. and it's very unusual. | | |
| LIVE, LOVE, & FORGIVE Victor has that very quote tatted on his chest. Ironic for a guy like him huh? When it comes to tattoes, some people get carried away with the glamour of "quotes" and how GREATLY it can affect their presonal life, so and so. They fail to apply the quote to their life and see how hard it is. Maybe that tattoo acts as a reminder... because it isn't as easy and pretty as it looks. Forgiveness isn't something that a person can expect from the other person. I think forgiveness is something you hope for. I think a person that did something wrong DOES NOT deserve forgiveness. I believe in "justice" more than "mercy" so... that kinda falls in the same line. So...forgiveness is never an expected thing. We just forgive because we know that we're not perfect and we're bound to make mistakes ourselves too, and when we do, we will hope for the same forgiveness from someone else. So I think that if I sincerely hope for Steven's forgiveness for what I've done in the past...I should express that hope through my actions. And it will build a new character for our relationship, and from that it will help him ease the struggle to forgive me. Because I know he's trying to...and I REALLY appreciate that he's putting effort (even if it's a little bit) bcuhs once again...forgiveness can never be expected, only hoped for. I know that I got the potential to be a good girlfriend. I can say that.. I was never a good girlfriend in the past, not even with Jon. Jon put in most of the effort for our relationship to work at that time, and I just sat around taking and receiving. I don't think this is the kind of characteristic that I want to hold on to as I grow older. I need to start believing that you need to GIVE more than you expect or receive. I know that mentally.. but it's different to know & understand than to Believe. So THAT will be my 2010 resolution: to give more than I expect/receive. & to be humble. I think if I start by focusing on changing my character FIRST, I'll be able to bring that out and it will affect my relationship with Steven in a good way. He asked me to join Landmark with him. It's a four day "Life Lesson training" or something like that.. it helps you realize why you're the way you are today--etc. I think I want to take it. Even though it's rather expensive, I believe it will be a positive thing towards my 2010 goal. Last night we went to an 18+ club at ParkPlaza Hotel. It was kind of crazy, the place reminded me of this state building they have at downtown Boston.. (I told Steven it looks like the White House by accident lol) but it looked like some crazy Muslim palace. It was kinda trippy when we first walked in, seeing those HUGE pillars and wide stairway. I bumped into a few people I haven't seen for a while. Like Clifford, Ceasar, Judy(Kurt's ex-gf), Daniel Kim, David Hubbard, Amanda Chandra.. and lastly Tammy Tsai & Joanne Kim. It was fun. I had a lot of fun with Steven, Angeline, and Long. it was mostly just us. because Dara kept disappearing, and Jeff and every1 was all over the place. I kissed Angeline a few times (hehe) and I kissed Dara a few times too (muahaha) I seem to have the power to turn girls lesbian  ! kekee. Steven must be one happy camper...watching me kiss my girlfriends--and of course he extended and asked more questions such as "will you make out with Dara?" "will you have sex with Angeline?" jeez--enough questions. I don't think he gets it when I say that it bothers me. It doesn't bother me ridiculously--but I'm just not too fond of that topic. He said he understands that it does bother me but he still asks me from time to time. Well, at least he doesn't ask about orgies anymore--THAT really does bother me. Ahhkk, anyways i got pretty drunk but I looaahhvhe it, and I wish I blazed after I drank. I told Steven how I felt when we were outside the club. I first said it in Chinese because I was too scared to say those words. I said it in English right after though--and he told me the same but I don't think he means it. I think he's just saying it because those are the words you want to hear right after you say it to someone. Maybe being too negative isn't such a good idea. I should just accept that he said those words and move on. It's just three little words--it's not like it defines what we have. Updates:
1. I helped Steven assemble his Christmas tree a little bit before I KO'ed. It turned out VERY NICE. I think the nicest thing about it is the star on top & the candy canes. The candy canes makes the Christmas tree look a bit kiddish, but that's what I like about it. you want to be Fun for the holidays... not too bold or serious.
2. I applied to about six different jobs from craigslist. I received an e-mail the NEXT day regarding the "law office administrative assistant" job. I got the position right away, but I have to prove to them that I'm capable of this. I have to be VERY hardworking. My job will be filling documents, datas, making phonecalls to the courthouse, etc. This will be a challenging job, but it's a good step for me. It pays 10/hr and the hours are 8am-5pm Monday-Friday. It's a full-time job, and I got to prove to myself that I'm capable and have what it takes.
3. I've been gaining weight recently.. and I don't care enough to lose it. Not good. I have to get back to that losing weight mentality that I once had. I must.. get it back. but today is Thanksgiving and I'm going to retreat tonight. Food there is incredibly scrumptious omggg. I can taste the mashed potatoe and gravy melting in my mouth right now. I think I have a food addiction. I know for sure I had eating disorders in the past. I should go to food rehabitilation... if they even have such thing  Random thought:
I really extremely love how Steven and I have this weird humor of pretending to not know each other, and meeting each other at the club, the mall, or anywhere. We always pretend to introduce ourselves, and start flirting, and talking as if we had JUST met. It's awesome, and I love it. I've never shared that with anyone before, so it makes it kind of..."special"? haha | | |
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